Words by- Josephine Agbonkhese
In 2022, Jessica Sampson won the prestigious Eloy Awards as the ‘Best on Couple’s Relationship and Intimacy’, consolidating years of commitment to challenging and reshaping societal norms and expectations surrounding intimacy and pleasure.
The Founder of The Intimacy Masters— a registered family-oriented organisation with a vision to nurture individuals’ deepest intimate desires to fruition, and uphold family values as well as the rights of children, Sampson is a licensed clinical sexologist, diplomat by training, serial author, sexual assault referral practitioner, marriage counselor and fitness enthusiast.
She holds a degree in International Relations and Diplomatic Studies and currently pursues another in Law.
The passionate family life practitioner who is on a lifetime mission to help couples enjoy blissful marriages, had an exclusive conversation with Allure.
Of all issues boggling society right now, why do you think we need to discuss intimacy?
Intimacy is crucial because it impacts directly and indirectly on our overall wellbeing. Intimacy is linked to a person’s quality of life; from values to health, boundaries, longevity, and all.
How did your journey into this hush field start?
As a licensed clinical sexologist and marriage counsellor, I didn’t start out in this field, but discussing relationships and sexuality has always been a natural affinity for me. Even in secondary school, I was the go-to person for advice on crushes and relationships. People found it easy to talk to me, and I naturally became the mediator in relationships. This early experience fueled my passion for my work, leading me to pursue certifications in various fields related to human relationships. My drive comes from a deep-seated desire to help others navigate the complexities of intimacy and connection.
At what point did you decide to set up formally?
I had started unofficially after I finished from the university in 2011. I continued on different aspects of sexual education but in 2015, it dawned on me to create a safe space for sex talk in marriage as I had focused on children mostly and now. Hence, Intimacy Masters was established as an umbrella body to cater to all of these concerns.
What are some common misconceptions or unhealthy societal norms surrounding intimacy and pleasure that you aim to challenge and reshape through your work?
One major misconception, especially among religious people, is that intimate matters are inherently unhealthy. For instance, God promotes sex within the right context, but what you do with your sexuality and your beliefs about it are what truly matter. Many people engage in sex to the detriment of themselves and others, while others use it to enhance their marriage and intimacy.
Young people who are properly educated about sexuality make better decisions and avoid STIs, while those who are kept in the dark, tend to make more mistakes. Research shows that children exposed to sexual knowledge make better choices, while those who are not exposed often struggle when they do encounter sexual situations. The key to overcoming misconceptions is to teach about sexuality in a way that emphasises choices and consequences. It’s not about promoting unhealthy behaviours, but about fostering sexual health, positive sexual behaviour, reproduction, and more.
What are the key signs love might be slipping away from a marriage?
There are several but a few stand out. These include when couples experience decreased affection, increased criticism, lack of emotional support, contemptuous behaviour, physical symptoms of unhappiness, avoidance of shared activities, persistent conflict without resolution, emotional withdrawal, and lack of communication, then love might be slipping away from that marriage.
Many couples live out their lives on social media these days; is it in anyway harmful?
Sometimes, it is preference. A couple might post a lot but are not in a happy place. But I personally think moderation is key because the pressure is real on social media and at this point, it is paramount to filter what is being consumed. And I like to say, “do a social media detox from time to time” because it is therapeutic. Truth is, social media has become an integral part of modern society, influencing various aspects of people’s lives, including relationships.
When you try to live out your life on social media without moderation however, it puts you constantly under pressure to present a perfect image, rids you of privacy as what was once considered personal and private moments between partners are now exposed to a wide audience, and makes you vulnerable to comparing your own relationship to that of others also portrayed online. You suddenly begin to rely on external validation from social media followers and this can be detrimental to a relationship’s health. Seeking approval and validation through likes, comments, or shares can actually shift the focus away from genuine connection between partners towards maintaining a certain image online. This external influence can in the long run, distort priorities and values within the relationship.
There’s a theory that couples who constantly post about each other on social media are actually covering up underlying issues that they don’t want the public to know about…
That isn’t entirely true. There are blissful marriages that exist on social media in spite of the popular statement “don’t believe everything you see on social media”.
Your top hacks for getting sex life back on track in a ‘friend zone’ marriage…
Start dating in marriage again with lots of kisses and foreplay. Embrace the concept of slow sex. These will help build attraction, attachment and acceptance for a “friend zone” marriage to return to life. You should also embrace open communication by talking to your partner about how you are feeling. Also, you should prioritise intimacy by setting time for each other, planning date nights, or engaging in activities that promote closeness and connection. Physical touch, such as cuddling or holding hands, can also help rekindle the intimacy between partners.
What, in your opinion, is the biggest misconception people have about ‘consent’ when it comes to sex?
Consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual interaction, and one of the biggest misconceptions people have about it is that, it is a one-time blanket agreement. Many individuals believe that once consent is given at the beginning of a sexual encounter, it remains valid throughout. However, this is a dangerous misconception as consent must be continuous and can be withdrawn at any point during the interaction. Consent can change at any time; a person says “yes” now doesn’t mean that cannot change at any time or the next minute. So, consent is never permanent. Consent must also be freely given and not be coerced or obtained through manipulation, pressure, or threats. Consent should be a voluntary choice made by each individual involved in the sexual activity without any form of force or intimidation.
Let’s talk briefly about your sex conference held yesterday in Lagos; why a sex conference?
We have had conferences in finance, health, career, education, name it, but not such a profound subject as sex. In the absence of thinking ill about this topic, would it be appropriate to learn about the body you are living in, way you respond to stimuli, orgies and desires? Hence the audacious move of the sex conference and our target audience were parents, couples, eligible singles, religious organisations and aspiring sex educators.
What would you say to those who feel uncomfortable discussing sex and sexuality?
Sex and sexuality are integral parts of human life, and understanding this can help in approaching the topics with a positive mindset. The timing, the people involved, the choices made, and the consequences you make is key. Embrace the idea and grow in knowledge by educating yourself. Set healthy boundaries, seek support, and remember that you are responsible for your choices.
Can you describe the look each time you introduce yourself as an intimacy master?
A decade ago, it was more of perplexed faces but in recent times, it’s been one of approval and admiration. I’ve realised that I am bringing change to the world, much like a doctor offers solutions. We have doctors as our clients, and we are doing similar work in our field. Gradually, perceptions are changing, and people are starting to say, “I am proud of you” or “Well done.” Slowly, we will change the status quo and show that sexuality is not just associated with negativity and taboo.
To what extent do recognitions and awards such as the Eloy Awards for your contribution to your field impact your work?
It shows that the world is watching and recognising a field and career that is often uncommon and misunderstood. While many people thrive in more conventional fields, intimacy remains a taboo topic, often seen as unimportant. However, it is one of the most crucial aspects of human life.
This award has brought visibility and validation to my work at Intimacy Masters, highlighting its importance and encouraging open conversations. Many people mistakenly equate intimacy solely with intercourse, but our work encompasses much more.
What self-care practices and boundaries do you maintain to prioritise your own well-being?
To be honest, when we have a goal or mission in life, it helps manage your expectations and sets you up for greatness. Sometimes you feel overwhelmed, but you take it one day at a time. I love my job, I love my family, and I love myself, but life still happens, and you have to find a way to balance it all.
I put myself in therapy because even therapists need therapy, and even coaches need coaches. I did a session called “Get Your Power Back” because being a mom of four girls and a boss can be overwhelming. It’s a lot to handle, but I make time for my well-being to check in with myself. I know when to take a break and move on.
Our work is quite sensitive, and if you’re not careful or well-protected, you can end up with too much to handle. There are times I say no to clients if I’m not stable. Being a relationship master and sexpert doesn’t mean I don’t have my own relationship issues. There are days when I have to tell myself I can’t take any more clients. On those days, I might not show up, but when I do, I show up fully.
What advice would you offer to couples seeking a more blissful and fulfilling marriage?
My advice to couples seeking a more blissful and fulfilling marriage is to first become willing partners. Being teachable allows you to grasp all the blessings that come with relationships and marriages. Humans are not created to live in loneliness; relationships are a core part of our existence. We thrive, live, and grow in relationships. If you are willing and ready to grow and learn about marriage and relationships, it will positively impact your life, your spouse, and society at large.
Who is your role model?
(Smiles) My biological father because I have seen him model love, integrity and grit my entire life.
Describe your personal style?
I love a casual smart look but lately, my preference has been that of a much more feminine and elegant styling without revealing too much.
Who is your style icon?
Shaffy Bello.
What do you do for fun?
I dance to great songs and mostly hang out with loved ones.
What’s your most-priced fashion item?
None. I love and treat all fashion items equally.
A word of advice to your teenage self about marriage and love?
You need to love yourself, understand who you are, and reach a place of self-worth. When you do, everything else—dating, love, marriage, and more—will fall into place.