By Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri
Very often, when we talk about domestic violence, we imagine visible injuries such as black eyes and broken bones. Most damaging forms of abuse however leave no physical marks. They are insidious, quiet, subtle and often dismissed.
I recall meeting a young female entrepreneur. She was talented, disciplined, hardworking and globally competitive. Her work and great ethics spoke for themselves. At home however, her success constantly created a source of tension.
Her husband who was out of a job began to appear threatened by her achievements. He started to insist on frequent relocations, making it extremely difficult for her to stabilise her brand. He monitored her phones, scrutinised her messages and kept a close watch on her earnings. Yes, there were no bruises, no open wounds, no shouting enough for neighbours to hear. But there was something wrong.
This is what subtle domestic violence looks like.
Quite often in practice when I ask if a partner feels they are in a relationship in which there is domestic violence, the response typically is: ‘Doc, my partner doesn’t hit me’. But domestic violence is not only physical assault.
The WHO has a framework that recognises intimate partner violence as including emotional, psychologic, economic and controlling behaviours by one partner towards the other. These patterns are not designed to hurt alone, but to dominate.
Coercive control remains one of the most insidious forms. It involves behaviours which aim at isolating, restricting and monitoring a partner’s autonomy.
When one partner starts to constantly check their spouse’s phone, making unilateral decisions that destabilise a partner’s career and demands access to financial records without transparency, these are not acts of love or leadership, but are mechanisms of control.
When a business person has to frequently relocate, it leads to economic sabotage as stability and constant visibility are important for every entrepreneur. Brand building requires consistency, community presence and network development.
When one partner then repeatedly uproots the family without mutual agreement, it slowly but surely erodes the other’s personal and professionals identity as well as their financial independence.
All of these have an impact on the accomplished partner as they start to question themselves, shrink to prevent the partner from feeling inadequate, feel guilty for their success and tone down their ambition to keep the peace.
All of these set a foundation for mental health conditions such as chronic anxiety and depression, low self-esteem and imposter syndrome, sleep problems and somatic symptoms such as headaches, unexplained fatigue, hypertension and gastrointestinal problems.
Subtle domestic violence thrives in silence because it does not fit the dramatic narrative many people expect. The victim may struggle to name it. Friends and relatives may minimise it: “At least he doesn’t beat you.”
But harm is not measured only in bruises, it is measured in lost potential, chronic anxiety, diminished self-worth and the slow suffocation of autonomy.
Healthy marriages are partnerships, not competitions. A spouse’s success should not threaten; it should inspire. As a society, we must broaden our understanding of domestic violence. The quiet bruises matter too. And sometimes, they hurt the longest.
Remember there is no health without mental health.