By Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri
A few years ago, I lost a colleague in a tragic, yet avoidable incident. While on his way to work, a commercial bus driver (popularly known as danfo) recklessly bashed into his newly painted car.
Enraged, he jumped out of his car and rushed towards the driver, handling him roughly and threatening to retaliate. On sighting the situation, the bus conductor ran to the driver’s aid and together, they shoved my colleague into the path of another danfo. He was knocked down and never made it back home.
It wasn’t the dent in his car that led to his death. It was the anger he couldn’t control.
Anger like many of us know, is a normal human emotion. It often occurs in response to being disrespected and motivates you to change the situation. When unregulated however, it can become explosive and lethal to relationships and even careers. During anger, the brain enters a survival mode and gives way to instinct. Physiological changes such as increased heart and respiratory rate, muscle tension and adrenaline occur. The mind then starts to move from ‘solving the problem’ to ‘winning the situation’ as rational thinking shuts down. In that moment, my colleague saw only injustice and disrespect, not danger and definitely not the fact that the men that he confronted placed no value on life.
This tragedy is a reflection of our society. Anger bouts at home, schools, office, traffic, planes, social media platforms and places of worship. Tempers are getting shorter by the day, tolerance is thinning out and empathy almost non-existent. Our society is full of short fused, distressed individuals moving around like ticking time bombs.
One of the most effective frameworks for developing emotional intelligence is the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence’s RULER Method, an evidence-based tool that provides a practical roadmap for managing intense feelings such as anger:
R – Recognising emotions in yourself and others early
U – Understanding emotions by identifying what triggered the feeling and what the emotion is trying to signal.
L – Labeling emotions accurately: “frustration,” not just “anger.”
E – Expressing emotions
in healthy and socially appropriate ways.
R – Regulating emotions
using strategies such as pausing, deep breathing, stepping away, or seeking help to prevent harmful reactions.
Perhaps if my colleague had paused just for a few seconds, enough to assess the risk to himself and choose safety over ego, he probably would still be here today.
Anger like many emotions will show up time and again. We must however understand that while we may not be able to control the emotions, we owe ourselves the responsibility to control ourselves. When anger shows up, we must choose wisely as our lives depend on it
Remember there is no health without mental health