By Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri
One day in session, a patient shared his experience with a friend he met and became physically involved with. Things seemed to be going well until, abruptly, he stopped taking her calls, blocked her number and even moved to another city, all without a trace.
He didn’t say goodbye, didn’t explain, he just simply vanished. As it turned out, this wasn’t the first time he had ‘ghosted’ someone.
‘Ghosting’ describes the sudden and unexplained withdrawal from a relationship: romantic, platonic, or even professional. It involves an active method of cutting off communication without closure, leaving the other person in confusion and emotional limbo. The digital age impacts ghosting as interactions on social media platforms and messages can be deleted, while numbers are blocked, at the touch of a button.
For the ‘ghosted’, the experience can be deeply painful. They are often left to fill in the blanks: replaying conversations, asking questions they may never have answers to, questioning their worth and struggling to make sense of the silence. They start to experience feelings of rejection, abandonment and self-doubt. In some situations, the ‘ghosted’ individual internalises the experience as a personal failure. Others develop anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and action especially in those who are emotionally vulnerable and with a history of trauma, rejection or abandonment. They become unable to let their guards down in future relationships. Ghosting doesn’t just end communication, it leaves emotional debris that can take months or even years to clear.
Ghosting however also says something about the person who ghosts: the ‘Ghoster’. It is often a form of emotional avoidance as they are afraid of commitment, attachment, vulnerability, intimacy or confrontation. They may genuinely care but often lack the skills to navigate difficult conversations and discomfort. It may stem from early adverse childhood experiences of trauma, instability or uncertainty where detachment or even control became a coping mechanism without facing the other person’s emotional response.
Both the ‘Ghosted’ and the ‘Ghoster’ are affected as while the former experiences grief from the loss, the latter may feel a sense of guilt, shame or avoidance that play out in future relationships and even at work. Ghosting may end contact, but it rarely ends the emotional story, until both parties find the courage to face themselves, and each other, with honesty.
If you’ve been ‘Ghosted’, breathe, heal, and remember: you deserve relationships with presence, not perfection. If you’ve been the ‘Ghoster’, perhaps it’s time to ask: ‘What am I running from?’
Remember there is no health without mental health.