By Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri
Over the past two weeks, I have received feedback from individuals who ghosted others. Two responses were:
“ Dr G, I am guilty as charged. I only ghosted because she was taking things too fast, for example, introducing me to her parents on a first date.”
“ Dr G, I ghosted as it just seemed the easiest way out for me. Ignore the calls, texts for long enough and it will die a natural death. Now I know, its callous.”
As against what we may think, not all ghosters are heartless or wicked. Many are in fact, afraid of commitment and confrontation, and seek to avoid guilt and emotional vulnerability. Ghosting is likened to the ‘flight’ component of the trauma response where there is an avoidant behaviour of fleeing in the face of a perceived danger or stress. While flight may be perceived as the primitive version of running from a threat, ghosting is the modern day, digital equivalent.
Ghosting is often seen as an easier exit and a way to avoid drama. The person who ghosts often feels a flurry of emotions including shame, guilt and anxiety. They hope that these emotions will disappear, but it lingers on.
Ghosting may be reflective of the ghosters avoidant attachment style as they function better when relationships are superficial and noncommittal. When relationships start to deepen and feel too close, they start to feel threatened and withdraw. Vulnerability is avoided as it feels unsafe while distance is a familiar and comfortable coping strategy. Ghosting also has roots deeply seated in early life experiences where feelings were dismissed, shamed, rejected or invalidated.
The impact of the digital age on ghosting is one that allows for connection without accountability. With the touch of a button and no physical contact, it is convenient to block someone or refuse to respond to their messages. Ghosting in the digital age can numb empathy and reinforce the ease for avoiding difficult conversations.
To break the cycle, a ghoster needs to be self aware as they :
- Ask themselves “Why do I always want to disappear?”
- Send a simple honest message to give you both closure
- Build emotional tolerance by facing the reality of your ghosting habit
- Determine to deal with your communication issue
Ghosting may feel freeing in the short term but like a shadow, it follows you around and will strike again, soon enough.
If you identify ghosting as a repetitive pattern you can’t seem to address on your own, please reach out for help and support.
Remember there is no health without mental health.