Technology has entered almost every corner of our lives, and apparently, the bedroom is not exempted. Today, a couple can be physically apart and still attempt to create sexual closeness through devices controlled remotely. It sounds exciting, modern and perhaps adventurous, but it raises an uncomfortable question: when does a sexual aid stop adding to intimacy and begin competing with it? For many blacks, discussing sex openly remains difficult, girls were warned about sex, pregnancy and “good behaviour,” but were rarely encouraged to understand their bodies or speak openly about pleasure. Even after marriage, some women still struggle to tell their husbands what they enjoy, dislike or need. The irony is that silence does not kill desire. It simply leaves people to discover sexuality privately, sometimes through trial and error and increasingly through technology. Sex toys are no longer as mysterious or inaccessible as they once were, some married couples use them to introduce variety into their sexual lives. There is nothing inherently wrong with two consenting adults deciding together what works for their relationship. The concern begins when the device becomes more important than the person. If someone begins to feel that sex is incomplete without a particular device, repeatedly chooses it over intimacy with a partner, or struggles to become sexually responsive without it, this may be time to pause and reflect. We should also be careful with the word “addiction.” Frequent use alone does not necessarily constitute addiction. The concern is compulsive use that begins to interfere with intimacy, emotional connection, responsibilities or the ability to enjoy sexual contact without the device. What do we enjoy? What makes either of us uncomfortable? Why are we using this? Is it bringing us closer or quietly creating distance? Are we exploring together, or is one partner becoming dependent on an object? Good sex in marriage is not simply about orgasm, it is also about affection, communication, vulnerability, trust and the feeling of being wanted by the person with whom you share your life. Africa needs more mature conversations about sexuality, we must challenge the shame that prevents married couples from discussing sexual needs, while also avoiding a future where technology replaces human connection. Technology can assist intimacy, but it cannot provide tenderness, reassurance, emotional connection or the feeling of being genuinely desired by your partner. Remote controlled lovemaking may be modern, but intimacy remains human. Use technology if it brings two consenting adults closer. Make sure the device remains an aid to the relationship, not a replacement for the person beside you.
