How to spice up sex in your marriage
It is no secret that having a fulfilled marriage requires a holistic approach. While it’s good to pray, prayers alone will not make a marriage work. There is a doing, on your part.
Understanding the principles of marriage and prayers are what will hold your marriage up.
Communication is key to any great relationship. Not only do the parties get to know the thoughts, fear, hopes, and aspiration of the other party, they are also able to have a clearer picture which aids understanding of individual perspectives.
Sadly, there are lots of ignorant people, oblivious to the dissatisfaction and discomfort of their spouse.
So, having listened to a lot of couples through the years, it has been determined that one major area where communication is nil is the bedroom.
Let no one be deceived by the number of children a couple has, there is still a great possibility that they are just intimate strangers. Therefore, the heightened frequency of the complaints has necessitated this write up/admonition/advice.
Call it what you may…just do it. The joys of sex can only be achieved with the connecting of spirit, soul, and body.
Sex is mandated to be solely between married couples and it’s amazing that for an act that has no overdose, it is not given the attention and delicacy it deserves. It’s brushed aside by couples and spoken about in hushed tones amongst friends. True sexual Intimacy must comprise of the presence of the emotional, physical, spiritual intimacy which is not just sex!
Below are words by married couples…
I hope it gives you an insight into what may be missing from your sex life and gives you the nudge to make things right.
- Communication is free. Show an interest in your wife BEFORE reaching out for sex. Do it early. Try tenderness, concern, romance. Every woman wants that married or not. You can do it. After all, these were all the actions you used in wooing her to be your wife. Your wife should not be an object to be remembered and acknowledged when you feel the urge. Ask about her welfare, place a call, use social media (WhatsApp, BBM etc.) to communicate. It’s free!
- The greatest sex organ is the brain. That’s where it starts from. And the best channel of a woman is her ears. What do you say to your wife? Words of affirmation, compliments, encouragement are fantastic ways of building her up emotionally. It makes no sense for you to curse her out or make her very unhappy and expect a great time during sex. It just won’t happen. Not necessarily because she wants to get her revenge but she would have been emotionally damaged or drained to even care. Compliment her hair, looks, outfit, eyes etc. Make sure it’s something personal that you are complimenting. A compliment a day is not too much to give and it goes a long way in ensuring you “step on wet ground” when the time comes.
- Foreplay is very important to a woman and four play starts long before the actual sexual act. A man is like a hose ready to go anytime but a woman is different and likened to a well. When you prime her up, she brings forth for you. In fact, research has proven that a lot of women enjoy Foreplay much more than the actual penetration so why don’t you start early. A call, sexting, a kiss on the neck, a warm embrace etc. Let there be a build-up. Don’t be selfish. Understand that the objective of your lovemaking is not to have your release but essentially ensure your wife gets hers too. Make that your goal.
- Married Sex can be very predictable (same time, style, place, duration etc.) therefore BORING so make it your duty to create a romantic/ sensual atmosphere. Every woman loves romance! Evangelism, vigil, prayer meetings are not romantic. Don’t get things mixed up. Create time for your spouse. There are lots of people married to their ministry and the family is suffering. The very reason there is so much adultery, separation or divorce. Please wake up and smell the coffee.
- Wives want/deserve quality and not quantity so please up your game. It’s not all about how many rounds of lovemaking you can go(that’s for boys to boast about). Real men give their wives quality time during sex. Be a real man, please.
- Your hygiene is very important too. It’s not all on women. A woman wants a man who smells goooood- that’s a turn on its own. Your cologne or body smell should be on point and not filled with sweat. Mouth hygiene and cavities should be checked too. No woman wants to kiss a man with a smelly mouth. It’s a turn-off.
- Size does not really matter, what matters is what you can do with what you have. So don’t bother yourself with issues that don’t matter. Remember she is your wife and she is stuck with your size anyway. So use it appropriately.
- It’s your job to find her “G- Spot” (you can google the meaning if you don’t know what it is) and it’s okay to ask for guidance if you miss your way or are confused.
- Stop hailing yourself as “the Man”. Your sexual prowess is not determined by you. Only your wife can mark you excellent and vice versa? No one marks their own exam paper. Your examiner is your spouse and she will only affirm with how you make her feel. Stop thumping your chest and refusing to discuss sex because you believe there is nothing wrong or are too skilled to want to learn anything new. Listen to your wife and do all possible and more to ensure your wife has a fantastic time and gets an orgasm. At least one! Don’t assume she has had it. Ask and you will be told the truth.
- If she enjoys sex, she won’t run away from you or feign tiredness or illness most of the time. No one runs away from the enjoyment. Make it less hurried, shame-filled or boring.
- The worst thing you can do is roll over and start snoring. Don’t do it! A warm embrace would be nice. Don’t reward her with your snores. Don’t get her thinking “What a terrible reward…another time wasted…”
- Your husband is built differently from you. He needs to release. Don’t push him away. He is not a monster.Stop pretending to be asleep. Stop pushing him away. The more you push him away, the further he goes. Don’t do it please.
- You must find a timing that is convenient for both of you to discuss your sex life amongst other topics. Men will naturally shy away but you need to do it. Sex is an act you can’t run away from. Don’t subject your self to a lifetime of unhappiness and pain(physical & emotional) . Fix a date for the talk. Now!
- Don’t just lie there and do nothing! Your husband wants to feel wanted too. Try and initiate sex sometimes- even if it’s yearly. It’s your duty to find out what your husband loves about you and give it to him. Don’t ignore his hints or complaints. Take them as feedback and work on it
- Orgasm is your right! Please claim it. Don’t go through a lifetime of sexual frustration. Do something about it. There is no rule that says you cannot enjoy and reach orgasm at every sexual encounter. Make sure you guide him to the right places. Be expressive. Speak when you like that touch.
- It’s in your interest to ensure that your husband does not go soft on you. We know when it’s soft, it’s all over. Do all you can and work it. It’s only useful for you when hard. Ensure it is for so it can serve its purpose.
- It’s your duty to ensure you are always attractive to your spouse. Don’t forget something attracted him to you in the first instance, You’ve got to find that out and keep at it. And If he appears to have forgotten, bring it to his remembrance. Ensure you keep great hygiene and Sexy lingerie should always be found in your underwear collection. Men are visual, make no mistake about it. Probably the reason “Playboy” became a multimillion-dollar business and “Playgirl” didn’t quite make it as big. So give your husband all he has to see. Invest in those bras and pants that will not only blow his mind but will make you look good and feel good too. Wives should not leave investment in lingerie to strange women alone. That’s one of the tools they use to entice men.
- Compliment your spouse when he does something good or touches the right place. There is no use complaining all the time. Surely, there must be something he does right. That will serve as encouragement for more ways to please you sexually.
- Be willing to explore within the limits of decency (which will be determined by you both and not a third party). Create an atmosphere of romance, surprise him, turn a few tricks, blow his mind etc. Don’t just lie there and do nothing! There is nothing scriptural about the missionary position so don’t think you are being holy by trying only one position. Make an effort to please. When you put an effort, usually it is reciprocated.
- Get yourself a good birth control that suits you. Sometimes, the fear of unplanned pregnancy takes the excitement off the sexual act. Sort yourself out. Not every sexual encounter should result in pregnancy if that is not the goal of both of you.
- Finally, do not let him go until he blesses you. That’s the goal. And if he fails, he repeats. After all. Anyone that fails has to repeat. In marriage sex, a repeat performance is always allowed.
Certified Relationship Counsellor and Professional therapeutic counsellor.