By Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri

Mr. T was a 52-year-old businessman who came to see me because, in his words, “everyone was irritating me.” He described his staff as incompetent, his children ungrateful and his church members insensitive. He had stopped sleeping well and his blood pressure had risen.

He revealed that six months earlier, he had buried his wife of 27 years. When I asked how he had been coping, he straightened his back and replied, “Doctor, she lived a good life.” He had organised the funeral, hosted relatives, handled the paperwork, and returned to work within two weeks. People praised his strength. “You are such a strong man,” they said.

Life had indeed gone on. Condolence visits ended, food trays stopped coming, the house had become unbearably quiet. Yet no one was asking him how he felt anymore.
Grief therapy often begins at this exact intersection, where strength has become silence.

People assume that grief is crying, sadness and withdrawal. It is, however, far more complex. It can show up as anger, irritability, physical exhaustion, forgetfulness, overworking, or even emotional numbness. Sometimes, people grieve a person. Sometimes they grieve a marriage, a job, a health condition, or a version of themselves that no longer exists.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In therapy however, we quickly learn that grief does not move in neat stages. It moves in waves. One day you are functioning. The next day, a song, a scent, a touch, a memory or an empty chair can undo you.

In Mr. T’s case, beneath his anger was loneliness. Tucked neatly under the irritability was fear and beneath the busyness was avoidance. He had not allowed himself to mourn because he believed mourning meant weakness.
Grief therapy does not try to erase pain. It creates space for it. It ensures that professionals help individuals: and Reconnect with meaning without feeling disloyal to the deceased.
One of the most healing moments in grief work is permission; to feel without being judged, to remember without collapsing and to live again without betrayal.

By the fourth session, Mr. T finally broke. He cried. Quietly. He said, “I miss having someone who knew me before I became successful.” That sentence held his grief.
Healing did not mean he stopped missing her. It meant he learned to carry the loss without being consumed by it. He improved physically and mentally and he stopped pretending.
Grief therapy teaches us something profound: mourning is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of love.
Remember there is no health without mental health.

Name what was lost (because sometimes it is more than the person)

Identify emotions that feel unsafe to express

Address guilt, regrets, or “unfinished conversations”

Rebuild identity after loss