People don’t just bond; there has to be a deliberate effort to do so.

This is so important for those in a committed relationship or lifetime relationship like marriage.

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Bonding comes as a result of sharing close contact with the other person, conversing frequently, sharing your innermost thoughts, fears and joy with that person. Through this process, trust and affection are created.

Bonding should be continuous; couples should not allow familiarity to set in. It’s so easy to drift apart and live different lives if care is not taken, with due attention given to the act.

In a relationship, if one or both partners are close, protected, controlling, then, they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they spend together with candles, a romantic dinner or an expensive trip together, the connection will not be there. Both partners need to be open to learning, learning new ways to connect, then they will be emotionally available to each other and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word.

Bonding has to do with the energy between the two, not with anything external like candles, and the energy comes from their intent. A controlling intent creates a heavy, dark, hard, closed-hearted energy, while the open-to-learning intent creates a light, soft, open-hearted energy.

The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving, because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behaviour in the face of fear (fear of rejection). We learned these protective behaviours when we were children, and as adults, we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviours, such as anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most people, these protective, controlling behaviours have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear is triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in. In relationships, the fear of rejection and engulfment – of losing the other or losing ourselves – generally underlie our protective behaviour.

Being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice, and developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.

Most relationships have a higher rate of survival if the two choose to be open with each other while seeking to bond with one another. When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish. Then candles, vacations, and lingerie can enhance their experience with each other – that is the icing on the cake.

Article written By Tinuola Monisola Agbabiaka

Certified Relationship Counsellor & Professional Therapeutic Counsellor