By Jemi Ekunkunbor

The advent of the internet and the movement of some commercial activities to digital space have led to an increase in the use of online technology for shopping.

The norm is for vendors to advertise the pictures of the products which are often very eye-catching or fascinating on their web pages and interested buyers place orders for what they desire.

The product images are usually carefully curated to generate interest from buyers and they cut across all kinds of product types with food and fashion items being the hits.

One big snag with online purchases is that when buyers take delivery of the products ordered, the delivered items, often times, do not look close to what was advertised on the sellers web page, resulting in the now popular cliche– “What I ordered vs What I got.”

Many online customers have been left disappointed, short-changed, aggrieved and left with regrets of inferior products that often times cannot be returned to get a refund.

Like these attractive products, with deceptive undertone, love is also taking similar shape. Men and women are waking up in marriage to find that their partner, male or female, is not who they thought they were.

Carol Agbaje, 36, is a wife and mother of two. Her marriage to her hunk of a husband eight years earlier was the talk of their community. They looked the perfect couple outside but at home, they had their little battles. Although he looked like a real hunk by his physique, Mr Agbaje had very little interest in sex according to his wife. But he was a doting father to his daughters and a good husband to Carol. His lack of interest in sex often led to little quarrels at home but not enough to destroy their marriage.

Then on Valentine’s Day a year ago, she came back home from work unannounced and caught her husband in bed with his bestie! He was bisexual all along! In that auspicious moment, the scales fell from her eyes and all the pieces of the puzzle came together; his lack of interest in sex and foreplay, his constant hanging out with the boys even on weekdays, etc. Her walls came crashing down in a moment. Hers was a typical case of what you ordered versus what you received.

In countries like Nigeria, where same sex marriage is a criminal offense, gays and lesbians are coming out of the closet with trepidation, finding safety in this kind of deceptive arrangement. Like an ordered product, women are opening their package only to have their built up excitement deflated by what they see. Ditto for men.

Why are partners hiding their true sexual preferences, one may ask?

“People will always hide their unnatural sexual preferences as long as they know they will be stigmatised, rejected and hated,” says renowned relationship coach and Matchmaker, Jerome Yaovi-Onipede.

Although Carol’s situation happened just a year ago, the phenomenon is not new. Men and women have been hiding their sexual preferences for a very long time, especially where open gay relationships were not as accepted in society. To hide their sexuality, which was not socially acceptable, gay men and women often married and even had children, despite their not being attracted to their partner.

Narrating his experience as a Matchmaker of over two decades, Jerome says: “I have lots of homosexuals who come to me asking for lesbians for wives, saying that at least, while married to someone of the opposite sex, before the world, they will live with the agreement to be free, to pursue their different sexual preferences.”

He added that although he does not agree to such arrangements because of his faith in God, “there are married couples in Nigeria that are living under such arrangements.”

Relationship/marriage coach and therapist, Lauretta Ovine Ogbum, couldn’t agree less. According to her, “as long as LGBTQ is illegal in Nigeria, we will always have this kind of situation. Many people are actually gay or bi-sexual and because of societal pressure, they get married and have kids.”

She added that the decision to stay or leave when the bubble busts, depends on the individual involved. Some, according to her, will remain and cover up their partners’ secrets while they have their own affairs.

“To others, it is a deal breaker, they file for divorce but still keep their partner’s secret. To some others, it is complete exposure,” she explained.

Like commercial activities that have moved online, men and women seeking relationship have also moved their search online, subscribing to various dating sites advertised on social media. But how safe are these sites?

“Online Dating Sites used to be very safe, but that is no more now, because operators of such sites don’t double check who comes up on their site,” says Jerome.

“Today, you are never sure of who you are meeting online, because there’s no thorough investigation on the people you are meeting. As a matter of fact, anything goes on online now, and your safe life can become unsafe overnight just because of it,” he added.

He cautioned, however, that if one chooses to use Online Dating Sites, one must ensure to patronize sites that without uninvestigated persons.

Again, with online dating or matchmaking, you also sometimes get what you did not order. Then what happens?

Relationship coach and Matchmaker at Matchmakerdidi, Didi Edet, was quick to answer. “That has never happened because it is pretty easy to not match someone with a totally different interest. We currently match only heterosexuals so, a mix up like that is not likely to occur. But if it happens, we will refund the person and let him or her know that we currently don’t match same sex especially in a country like Nigeria where it is considered a crime.”

In 2014, President Goodluck Jonathan signed into law a bill that criminalises same-sex relationships. The bill also contains penalties of up to 14 years in prison.

As more men and women take delivery of wrong ordered love, coach Lauretta advises people to be very observant when dating, and to look out for the signs and not just be carried away.

For many like Carol who have passed the dating stage, they have only two options left them; to either stay in the marriage and weather it, or, opt out.

According to Jerome, in the law of any land, if you get married, deceived by your spouse, and you can prove it, the union automatically becomes null and void.”

Whether cheated partners will exploit this option, time will tell. But if you must order love, take time to know the person. Also take out time to investigate the person to ensure that what you order is what you get.