By Adesuwa Ewoigbokhan

Young couple in bed

This is an act that makes its presence occasionally just for peace to reign in the home. In other words, it is a situation where one partner feels obligated, coerced or less satisfied.

In many marriages, there tend to be several months or years of sex by obligation,’’ am not in the mood to make love ,  but  I will do it anyway so that my spouse will stop pressuring me.’’ This might work for a while but  consequently,  one of the partners will get  tired of lack of  genuine intimacy and begin to drift apart emotionally.

The partner that  is refused sex,  normally reacts by choosing more practicable way.  They often think they can get their spouse to participate by winning them over with good deeds and  passionate  display,  not  knowing that natural reaction  from the detached  spouse will be more sexually exciting. But this is usually not the case. Manipulation, silent treatment, witholding sex as a way of punishing partners,  most times,  end in undermining  things that could have been beneficial to one another.

A lot of modern women have an almost exclusively romantic opinion of sex. Love-making should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or  else,  one  should not engage in it. However, every marriage is very unique with  it’s  own details, history, circumstances and perplexities.

It is possible for couples to indulge in sex every now and then, though they could also go for weeks or months without indulging in it. The simple truth is that one spouse wants it more often,  while the other partner could not care less about sex.  This is not romantic.

The real fact is  that  good  love making does not demand  much; you can both flow with the feelings of euphoria, that is taking each other to the moon and back in less time than it would take you to locate the wine opener.

Instead of allowing sex to be an obligation for romance, let it be an incentive  for  it. Yes, your spouse is annoying you? Make love, turn friction to passion and enjoy the sparks that comes  with  it.

The absence  of  love-making is a usual tale in most marriages. Equally disheartening is a situation where one partner  solely  goes through the acts.

Though one can attempt  to  argue otherwise, the simple truth  is that sex was designed by God to be a physically deep rendezvous  between a man and his wife. No wonder, partners make use  of their sixth sense and immediately see to it that such encounter is reduced to nothing more than just an obligation- a situation where  husband/wife is begrudgingly obliging rather than vulnerably presenting his/her whole self.  Instead, he/she should look for ways to please one  another  otherwise, the neglected spouse  is  vulnerable to outside forces.

Obligatory sex should  not  be compromised  in any marriage because it could lead to devastation. Here is the good part, if duty bound intercourse is all that you  have  ever  allowed, you do not have to stay grounded  in that pattern.

Yes, change may be hard and awkward, even engulfing,  but it can be achieved especially if it is that type of change that can strengthen your marriage. Don’t take a back seat thinking things will get better on their own. Don’t  play with something as precious as the bond with the man/woman you fell in love with and entered matrimony with.

‘’To lie there unresponsively is less than physically there.’’ That is responding physically whereas mentally and emotionally you don’t match up to that of your spouse.

Intercourse  is  better  desired though there could be stages in one’s life when these desires will slow down; for instance, when the children are still very young, financial stress  or when the couple Is exhausted.

Routine sex is never the real thing when done out of duty, it might work for short  term  but  never for long period. Instead, sex by decision can work as this has to do with both of you making plans for how to  make  the  best for your sexual relationship, this has got to be as good  for her as it is for the man.

A number of couples considered sex to be gift, but I will prefer to call it a chore – ‘’If chore means necessary job to keep our life together, then it means the job will be done. So let’s apply the same rule to marital sex. It might not sound romantic but better than divorcing.

Though you may be the partner doing the refusing or you may be the spouse being refused, regardless, the status quo is unsustainable. My prayer is that somehow, the couple will move mutually towards healing and strengthening their sexual intimacy.

When you decide to honour your matrimonial bed as a couple, you will both benefit sexually. So try and make  a  shift  from  obligatory sex for sex by decision and settle for it.