By Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri.

There are some losses for which language seems inadequate. The death of a loved one is one of them. No sentence can make sense of it, no explanation can soften its edges and no promise can restore the world as the grieving person once knew it.

Recently, I had a conversation with a client who had lost a child. As she spoke, I realised that beyond the pain of her loss, some of the words spoken to her by people trying to comfort her had deepened her hurt.
“You have to be strong for your husband and other children.”
“God will restore.”
These expressions may have come from a place of love, faith and genuine concern. Yet, they left her feeling misunderstood and emotionally dismissed. When someone told her that ‘God would restore’, her response was piercing: “Restore what? I didn’t complain to God.”
It was a question born out of pain. She was grieving a child, not asking for a replacement. She needed her loss acknowledged, not reframed as a problem waiting for a solution.
Her experience raises an important question: Do we sometimes become so uncomfortable with another person’s grief that we rush to say something to make the pain go away?
In Nigerian society, our expressions of comfort are often shaped by culture, religion and communal values. We encourage people to be strong, remind them that God knows best and assure them that all will be well. These expressions can be meaningful, and faith can be a powerful source of support. However, good intentions do not always translate into comforting words.
Telling a bereaved mother to be strong for everyone else may leave her wondering who will care for her. Saying “It is well” may feel dismissive when everything she knows has changed. Comparing losses may unintentionally suggest that grief must be measured before it deserves compassion.
There is no good way to discuss bad news, but there are better ways to respond to it.
Instead of saying, “You have to be strong,” try, “I am here.“I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how painful this must be. How are you coping today?”
Sometimes, the kindest response is simply to sit beside someone without trying to fill the silence. Offer practical help, check in after the funeral and remember that grief does not end when the visitors leave.
If faith matters to the grieving person, prayer and spiritual reassurance may bring comfort. But we must allow people to experience their grief without imposing explanations or timelines on their healing.
Sometimes, love sounds like this: “I don’t know what to say, but I am sorry. I am here with you.”
Grief is already heavy enough. Let us not make people carry the additional burden of having to defend, explain or hide their pain.
Sometimes, the greatest comfort is not what we say, but how faithfully we show up.

Remember there is no health without mental health.

Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri is a consultant Psychiatrist, Associate Lecture and Mental Health Advocate