By Dr. Gbonjubola Abiri

Ghosting hurts. It hurts especially the one who is ghosted as it exposes them to emotional and even physical complications. Being ghosted is one of the most confusing and distressing emotional experiences of relationships.

The relationship is often one of a mix of laughter, joy, hope, connection, messages and calls being exchanged, until there is a disconnection, followed by unexplained silence, and then the individual is left to lick their own wounds all alone.

As humans, we are social beings who long for and need connection. We crave for attention and then when we lose it, especially suddenly, it shows up in our minds and our bodies. This is because the same regions of the brain that register physical pain are also activated when we experience social rejection.

When ghosting happens, the ghosted individual personalises the experience, questioning their own self-worth, blaming themselves and asking themselves questions such as: ‘Did I do something wrong?’, ‘Was any of this real?’. This cycle is often the brain’s way of finding meaning in spite of all the chaos as it ruminates and replays moments, scenarios, memories, texts and phone conversations, continually looking for clues that probably never exist.

The ghosted person feels bad due to a number of factors which include: sudden loss of control and clarity, a threat to self-esteem and self-worth, activation of the brain rejection-pain pathway and a disruption of emotional attachment.

Some individuals start to internalise the silence, equating the ghosting with their own inadequacy. The ghosted individual may become hyper-vigilant and become avoidant of future relationships, commitments, hesitant to trust and even emotionally-guarded, all in a bid to self-protect and self-preserve.

Ghosting is not all detrimental to the ghosted individual as it often helps to unearth areas of need and possible focus. Sometimes, the ghosted individual realises that they may be constantly seeking validation from others, or seeking closure from the outside.

It is important to recognise that being ghosted is not a reflection of your value. Instead, it says more about the ghoster’s inability to confront discomfort, handle conflict, be emotionally available and honest as well.

If you have been ghosted, remind yourself that it is not a reflection of your worth or sufficiency, but rather the ghoster’s limitations. Give yourself the closure you need—but did not receive—from an apology or explanation by accepting the reality of the situation, refocusing on yourself, and prioritizing your well-being. Acknowledge the pain, but respond with self-kindness.

If it is however difficult for you to navigate or heal from, please reach out to a therapist.
Remember there is no health without mental health.